Little Alexx Blog

I believe in signs. 3 in a row and I’m a believer. 3 different people, at 3 different times, mentioned my blog and how much they enjoyed it, missed it, and wanted a new post. I suppose I will have to oblige….

So much has been going on with life that being on here just hasn’t seemed as important as living my life. I have been appreciating my passion for reading, outside of research and schooling. I remember as a kid reading and reading and reading, coming home from school to read while my mom would cook dinner, reading in the car until I was sick to my stomach from being carsick (dedication), staying up until 11pm (wow, so late) to read just one more chapter….

Reading now looks a little different. I have reading glasses and Ben usually comes to bed to find me passed out at 9pm with my book on my chest. I have to thank my best friend Mary Elizabeth for getting me back into casual reading, something to fill my heart with adventure, as if my whole life isn’t just one big quest with my pup and lover by my side.

I think I have typed out this exact post about 10 different times, each with a new adventure we go on. Taking a look at pictures, I realize how much we really do travel and explore and how different life is, in comparison to the past few years. My last post was back in April, and since then, time has flown. Literally. This summer was full of traveling, of plants, of snorkeling, of hiking, of reading, of love, of yoga, of yummy food, of getting back to me, of music, of walks around the neighborhood, of waiting, of living.

As we begin to feel that shift in the weather and the light, it reminds me of the lyrics by Gregory Alan Isakov, “Words mean more at night, like a song, and did you ever the way light means more than it did all day long?” I’ve been listening to more calm, soft music recently, honestly to calm my nervous system (big fan of breathing exercises). My favorite time of day is now golden hour, walking through my neighborhood with Hemingway and Ben on our nightly walks. Even after a long day at the hospital saving people, pushing at least 15,000 steps, my sweet love still takes me out on walks.

Sometimes we just can’t stop talking, investing in each other and our days, sometimes we just walk hand in hand looking at the beauty that I believe I’m so lucky to see, around us. Those lyrics mean the most to me on those walks, as we are chasing the last bit of light in our day. That light means more to me in the last parts of my day than it did all day long. I find that I appreciate something so much more right as it ends, as it leaves, rather than when I have it in abundance, as life usually goes. I wish to be better at this. Investing, appreciating, loving, and being more present in the moment. Leaving my phone behind, reading a book before bed, sitting with my thoughts and feelings, without being distracted.

We have lived together now for over a year and what a fun year to look back upon. Our house is a home, everything has a place and feels comfortable. My favorite place in the world is our home. I love lighting candles, playing a record and reading on the couch while Ben cooks me dinner. However, as much as I love home, I have been pushing myself to get past my post Covid experience and get out into the world a little more.

This summer was full of fun and learning more about myself in this time period. What an age. I specifically remember being 19 and thinking I had it all figured out. Nothing is figured out. How silly I was back then. However, I know these to be truths:

I am beautiful. I am necessary. I am valuable. I am loved.

I am here to educate. I am here to tell stories. I have never been so in love before than when I am with my love. I love my dog. I love my home. I love the summer and the fall and I love being able to feel. I love being with a man who not only gives me space to feel but encourages it.

We dressed up and saw Barbie not once but twice and I cried through it both times.

It was such a testament to girlhood, to womanhood. To be human. Even though there were some really funny parts (Ben was hooting and hollering, we were laughing so hard), there was such beauty in the scenes when Barbie for the first time is having human emotions. She is crying for no reason and yet, has all of the reason to cry. She is feeling. I still struggle with how much I cry, (I feel a lump in my throat right now as I write this) There is so much beauty in feeling. In crying. In seeing beauty, even beauty such as the sun shining through the trees at sunset, through a home cooked meal, through going to yoga and moving your body, through watching the waves at the ocean. Everyone, everywhere is feeling. I wrote a post a few years back, saying that it was a really beautiful thought, as I was driving home late from work one night, that the town was sleeping, that people were all in their beds, asleep. I still think it is a beautiful sentiment. Do I enjoy feeling? Feeling it all? Well. Who truly does? However, I know that I can’t feel the good, the beauty as much as I could without the bad. Just like the lyrics said, “Words mean more at night, like a song, and did you ever the way light means more than it did all day long?”

The light means more than it did all day long. The good, the beauty, the happiness means more than it did all day long before the night comes. I cling to that light at the end of the day, and embrace the night, with whatever it brings me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&source_ve_path=Mjg2NjQsMTY0NTAz&feature=emb_share&v=BCUBiLYHPOE

blessings, a