Little Alexx Blog

What a week it has been!! Had this been normal life, I would be hunkering down with finals, packing up my place, and beginning the journey of moving back to Branson. Instead, this week marks over 50 days in isolation. OVER 50!!!!!! I don’t think I’ve ever been so long without other human interaction. It’s been interesting to say the least.

This upcoming Friday would have been my college graduation, and while the university has postponed the ceremony till December, I still am very excited to officially get that diploma. The past 4 years have whizzed by and I’m less than a month away from beginning my masters program!… but more on that later!

It was yet another week of working hard and falling asleep before my head hit the pillow at night, which I don’t mind. As I came to the realization that I’ve been in for almost 2 months, I have to say, this week, it really got to me. I have a wee bit of a temper and a flaw of mine is my lack of patience, with both myself and others. I was working like a crazy woman, cutting down trees, digging up roots and rocks, and I just had a moment where I got really overwhelmed, with everything. As I was on my hands and knees, digging into the ground trying to pull out a huge stone, getting frustrated, sweat running down my forehead, and I started to overthink everything in my life, my future, my relationships, my friendships, my recent experiences (hello crazy last week!), so I packed up my tools, wiped the dirt off my face, and went to the lake, where I laid on the grass, read a book, ate a pear, and drank a cocktail out of my thermos ~classy~.

In all, it was exactly what I needed. While I’ve had so many projects in my life recently to keep me busy and sane, I was missing out the most the crucial project of all. My own self care. My body has been aching, using muscles it hasn’t used in a while (I think I’m going to be totally ripped after this is over with!), I’m absolutely exhausted after working all day, I may or may not be eating as well as I should be, because I’ve been working so hard, and honestly, I’m just mentally worn out. I’ve really pushed myself this past week mentally and emotionally trying to understand what’s going on in my life, and my future.

Regardless, I needed that peaceful afternoon for myself. I laid on my towel, staring up at the sky and watched clouds pass by, playing that childish game of guessing what shape the cloud was making… silly, but it was enough of a calming experience to just make me feel young again. That’s something I always fear for myself. Losing sight of my inner child. I fear one day growing too harsh that I lose sight of who she is.

So, I continue to sing too loudly in the car. I continue to have random dance parties even if it’s by myself. I baby talk my puppy as if he understands what I’m actually saying. I make dirty jokes. I throw my head back in laugher when something is funny. I play peek-a-boo with babies, I drive with all the windows down, knowing it will mess up my hair. I laugh at myself when I trip and fall (it happens more often than not). I try not to take myself so seriously, because no one else does either.

I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to use this time to grow in ways only time can give me, before I spread my wings and leave the nest once and for all. However, there is hesitation. As I go walk by the lake every afternoon, watching the ducks, breathing in the water, enjoying the sunlight not just perfectly that the hillside behind looks like an illustration, I feel a small tug inside my throat, my lower lip quivers ever so slightly, as I realize I only have a short time left in this place.

While by definition, it is my place of residence, is it home? Where is home? Home to me is in the arms of a lover I am far away from. Home to me is where friends gather to enjoy company, to drink to each other’s good fortune, and to laugh about good times that have been, and good times to come. Home is where I rest my head at night, feeling safe. Have I found my home yet? Honestly. I don’t know. But I suppose the beauty of searching is that you’ll eventually find something.

https://youtu.be/MmW3hF-iKg8

Today’s Mantra:

“I AM learning to love my solitude.”

Blessings, a