Little Alexx Blog

I’ll admit something. I have no idea what I’m planning on writing. I’m laying out in the sun like a little lizard, soaking up this 70 degree weather, listening to happy spring music, the kind that makes you want to pack up the car with the love of your life, put the dog in the backseat to enjoy the windows down, and just go. I’m…. content. It’s springtime in Fayetteville and I feel like everything is finally back in place, after months of darkness and a type of controlled chaos. I feel my cheeks flush with color, I finally look like a functioning human again. No more vampire look. I thrive in the heat. Now, enough of this amazing weather because I could talk about this all day…

14 months into therapy and ya girl had a break through yesterday!!! And guess what!!!! I’m even more confused than I was before! Woo. I love this shit, guys. I get a full on adrenaline kick after my sessions, but at the same time, I’m completely drained after. Like, completely drained. However, I look forward to my session every week, without question.

It’s not all fun and games though. My therapist does a wonderful job at making me feeling really uncomfortable and pushing me in moments that I’d be happier to just easily talk about something else. Let’s just say I’m superrrr charming and can easily change the subject with other people. However, she’s immune to it. DANG. Nice try though.

I’m really ready to take risks. Of course, I say this but internally freaking out. Mentally, that sounds insane. ‘RISKS?! ALEXANDRA! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE RISKS!!!! YOU COULD POTENTIALLY GET HURT!!!’ Interestingly enough though though, but as many ‘risks’ that I’ve taken, very few have actually turned out in a positive way that I’ve wanted. However! , I’ve gotten some damn good stories from past experiences that haven’t turned out the way I wanted. Not only stories, but also lessons learned, and I’ve learned many lessons.

So, risk taking. It’s freaking scary and anxiety inducing and and and… and wonderful and beautiful and awesome. You see, I’m oddly more into risk taking (and the into part is very very small) than the ability to be emotionally honest. Honestly is super important to me. Be honest with me, that’s all I ask. It’s a respect thing. I really try to be as honest with people because I seriously cannot lie. I get a pit in my stomach and can’t hold that feeling of guilt back, and so to fix such a problem, I just avoid lying or being dishonest with someone. Try it sometime. Just be honest.

Alas, I can admit to not being as emotionally honest/open as I should. However, it’s not intentional. In fact, I really try, and especially since I know it’s something I struggle with, it’s on the front of my mind, constantly. It sounds weird but I have a hard time saying my feelings below a surface level. Why? Well, different reasons I suppose. The usual, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt. If I share my feelings too much, then someone could it use it against me, right? Obviously not, but it’s a legit reason for why people don’t tell others their feelings.

I’d like to start living organically. No, not only get my food at Whole Foods… I mean, I’d like to feel things because I want to, without having to convince myself to be happy or not. If I’m feeling sad, I’d like to be able to admit it to myself. I think I’ve made real strides, on being emotionally honest with myself… now to being emotional upfront to others………

https://youtu.be/McUYNyCG_rI

Today’s Mantra:

“I AM worthy.”

Blessings, a