Little Alexx Blog

I would like to be the kind of person who is a personified hug. No, not the super tight uncomfortable one you get from a family member that you may or may not remember, or a sweaty one that smells way too much like cigarettes and alcohol. I’m talking about a warm hug, the hug you get from a grandmother, the hug from a puppy snuggle, from a lover you haven’t seen in a while. I want to make others feel like that, when they are around me. I mean, don’t we all? I guess I just want people to be happy and to be comfortable around me. If I can make you laugh, in my eyes, I’ve done my job. Have you ever met someone and thought, I would do absolutely anything to make them smile or throw their head back in laughter? I kind of feel that way about everyone, basically. I really hate to let people down and even worse, to disappoint them. People joke about trigger words and all, but the phrase “I’m disappointed in you.” Literally runs chills down my spine. I once had an ex tell me that, he was upset at me for god knows what, and in that moment, the 20 year old me sat in absolutely paralyzing fear being taken back to when I was a little girl, who wanted to please everyone.

Some things never change. Except for my technique on how to do so. Gone are the days in which I have hope to control someone’s feelings or ‘make’ them like me. So what can a girl do now??? Why, to do and be as perfect as possible as to never let anyone or myself down ever again, DUH!!! NOT.

I’m struggling, you see. With this concept of losing this perfection. I don’t want to be perfect. I’ve never been perfect. But I do have issues with vulnerability and being open. You see, I expect everyone around me to be open and willing and vulnerable, but god forbid I ever give an ounce of what I’m feeling. This mask I wear, it’s painted very beautifully. She’s a happy girl, who’s got everything going for her. Yes, while she may be a little too in love with her dog and plants, she’s rockin it, and loving every step of the way.

The truth? The reason I’m late to writing this blog post was because a certain song came on my Spotify and I then laid in bed for 2 hours on a rabbit hole of social media, just being miserable and sad.

Alexandra is not perfect, nor will she ever be. And she’s got a shit ton of baggage to sort through, but she’s trying. One day at a time.

Thank you for still being in my life, even if I’m hiding under this mask. I’m slowly getting used to these scars I hold.

https://youtu.be/KnWSncbFWss

Today’s Mantra:

“I AM trying.”

Blessings, a