nah

Learning to say no… it’s a new concept for me, for sure. I am everyone’s yes woman. Yes, I can help with this, or yes, I’ll be there. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I hardly ever say no…. until recently. Because yes, I’m tired.

On my way to yoga, cheesin’ and had to send a pic to my mama. Happy girl!

You see, I keep getting myself into trouble when I say yes. Yes, I will work this job I absolutely cannot stand, and yes, I will stay later at said loathsome job because you asked me to, and yes, I will go on a date with you, even though I’m not really feeling the vibe, and yes, I will go out (PAST MY BEDTIME) because you’d like me to. In the end, although I’d like to think I was being nice and trying to appease everyone, to not ‘rock the boat’ so to speak, I really was doing more harm for them and myself. Although I’d say yes enthusiastically, I wasn’t exactly doing what I said I would do genuinely or with a happy heart. Sincerity. Maybe I’m a year late, but I’m now learning the severity of the word, to enjoy my world.

Baby got a cute haircut! Don’t let his eyes fool ya. He was a happy high boy, on his sedatives because he gets so excited for the groomer!

I honestly don’t know if it’s a full moon or the spike of good weather (the 2 days we got that were above 60 degrees, AMEN!) However, it’s as if everyone is coming out from the woodwork, trying to be back in my life. Just this past week, I was asked to come back to a job in which I left (for good reason). I said no. The younger, less wise Alexandra probably would have been hesitant and probably went back to the job, as to not further break ties with individuals, and also. I just really hate not being a likable person. I just wanna be loved!!!! Also, I was contacted by someone who just didn’t work out last year, after going out on a few dates here and there, only to be asked out again. I said no.

The point of this, is that I feel as though I’ve been tested this week on how much I really have grown and matured. No joke, younger Alexandra would have gone back to that job, or given the guy the benefit of the doubt, and gone out with him again. But not anymore. I think I’m slowly learning not to just stand up for myself, but to think about me and my goals, plans, and desires a little more seriously than I did 2 or 3 years ago.

I went to my therapist yesterday and was able to really step back and see what all that I’ve done to change in the past year she’s known me. A lot of changed. She has sat through sessions in which none of what I was saying was coherent through the blubbering of tissues, or when I get so into my own head, that I have to pace the reason and just ramble out my feelings. I mean, god bless this woman. She’s really seen me at my worst and my best, through stories of shitty men and even shittier dates (which honestly, I could write a whole book on!), the women has sat through me weeping over my past, worrying about my future, and all the in between.

The point being, go get a damn therapist. You need it.

So. I’m now saying no. You remember that movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey? I’m like that, except, I’m saying no, to what isn’t growing me. I used to laugh at the meme that said, say no to anything that isn’t making you happy, making you money, or making you orgasm, but honey, let me tell ya something. A lot of things can make you money, and a lot of people can make you orgasm, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to make you happy.

Do what needs to be done. Be as happy as you’d hope for your best friend, and then some. And go get a therapist. You’ll thank me later.

https://youtu.be/o7N-0I8Y1rk