Happy first official day of spooky season!!!!
This is one of my favorite times of the year and I’m pumped!
So I had a conversation with my best friend today, and I really kinda freaked myself out. My 22nd birthday is in 4 months and I guess it scared me by how quick 2019 has flown by. You see, I spent most of 2019 in my own personal hell of grieving and self-doubt. This time next year, I could potentially be teaching classes or living a life in a new country, learning a language… I guess I just am kinda self doubting my future and what all I have in store for myself. 
In this season of life, which I believe so many right now are in, I don’t know what the actual hell I am doing.
I was slightly ridiculously emotional this weekend, after leaving a friend’s house and seeing how different a year can change things. I feel stuck in this weird place with my friends and my aquaintences. 
Some of my friends are married and having babies and living together and doing life with a partner and I’m so incredibly happy they have found that person they were meant to be with as well as feeling blessed that they are in my life and I have a solid place to seek solace and love, while some of my friends are in the part of life where life is crazy and wild and fun and just, really a good time. 
I fit somewhere in between that. Especially with Hemingway, I can’t leave the house without telling him I love him, and I want to make a home and roots, and yes, find myself from time to time wanting a baby (especially when I’m walking down the baby aisle of Target!!!!!!!!!!!!) But at the same time, I really don’t want to be married right now, because, well, that scares the hell out of me, and honestly I doubt I’ll ever be lucky enough to find someone like that? (And please don’t say, Oh it will happen, because, well I’ve got about 20 lady friend who have the exact same fear right now) 
At the same time, I want to travel and have adventure and explore and be wild and fun and just experience life and love and and heartbreak, (not really but in theory it’s a great idea).
I guess I have a bit more sympathy now for those who are on the “I don’t know” train. It’s become my go to word. ” I don’t know”. Because, I really honestly and truly, don’t know. What I’m doing, where I’m going. I don’t even know what I really want. 
How different these years have flown by for me. I think back to 18 year old Alexandra. I got choked up the other day telling someone about younger me. I don’t think anyone would possibly want to love 18 year old me. She was awful.
However, I do feel that angst of when I was a senior in high school. Granted, I try to wear less black now, my road rage is better, my choice in men, is well, questionable, but all in all, I’m in a way better place than I was 5 years ago.
Hell, I’m in a better place than I was 3 years ago when I began this blog.
I don’t think I have much direction with this blog. I didn’t really even know what to talk about today.
What I do know is, as good as a day it is, it can always get worse and as bad as a day gets, it can always get better.
It’s up to you to figure out what kind of a day you want to have.
Today’s Mantra:
“I AM okay with the unknown.”
Love.
Blessings, A
Little Alexx Blog 
So good babygirl. You speak everyone’s language. We all hurt. We all cry. We all are sad, mad and glad. But in the end only certain (very special kind of people) have the nerve to liking the truth right in the face. I admire that about you so dang much. Love you. Cannot wait to see how awesome your future is going to be!!!!
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