Little Alexx Blog

Currently writing this stuck in my room while there are a bunch of tornado warnings all around me. I personally love storms, so yes, as soon as I got the text about the warning, I ran around outside and enjoyed the sky turning black and the wind picking up. In another life, I could be a storm chaser. I honestly feel like Lieutenant Dan during the storm scene of Forrest Gump.

I have 8 days left of my junior year and MY OH MY, has time flown. I went home early this past weekend to celebrate at my little brother’s graduation party where he announced he is going for full scholarship to University of Tulsa! I am so incredibly excited for him and his journey to being his own man. I feel like it was just yesterday I was buying stuff for my dorm room. I was also packed and ready to move out a month before I even graduated high school. Memories just get to ya.

Speaking of memories, I am currently in the process of switching phones (team Apple!) and so I am saving all of my photos and videos onto my computer and google pictures. I am a photo hoard and keep them all. Well, Thursday, as I was packing to come home for the weekend, I took a small trip down memory lane on my phone. It was a quiet late afternoon at my place, my roommate still in class, and the sunset beamed through the blinds, giving my already homey room a nice sunny glow. I was just swiping through, deleting old messages (I literally keep every conversation ever), old voicemails (I keep one from each special person in my life so I will forever have their voice in case something happens to them, I know, a bit odd, but endearing), and then I got to photo album, swiping through. One swipe too many and it was then that I sunk to the floor. How was one picture, one video, one memory able to take me down so hard? It’s a reminder to me that the past will never leave you. I purged my phone a few months ago of old messages, old voicemails, and photos, reminding myself that the concept of “out of sight, out of mind” works. Or so I thought. I ended up laying on my side on the floor rewatching the same video over and over and over again, not really sure what else I could do with myself in that moment. It hurt. It really really hurt.

I’d like to tell you that I’m over it all. But then I’d be lying to you, and you’d lose your trust in me, and who knows what would happen after that. I’m so not over it, as proof to my fetal position move on Friday. Sometimes, I’ll be having a great day, enjoying the amazing weather, and bam, feel like someone punched me right in the stomach with a whole bunch of FEELINGS. I remember why now I avoided them like the plague. But holy shit, I’d rather love and lose, than to never love at all. And boy, did I love hard. And as I spoke to my therapist today about, one of my biggest regrets was never admitting it out loud.

I’m not writing this to mope around, feeling shitty about myself. I do that enough in therapy, surprising even myself with my ability to cry over the most mundane things. I write this because I am blessed to be around and know and have beautiful conversations with men and women who are going through the same thing I am. LOVE SUCKS SOMETIMES, but damn, it sure does make this crazy life fun. 5 months ago, I felt like the only one in the world to ever feel this way. Fast forward 5 months, and I am able to help others through what I just went through, and am still going through. I’m not sitting here saying I found the way to cure heartbreak, trust me, I don’t! (and if you do know, help a girl out!), but as my mom said to me the other day on a weepy phone call, “You will never be in this place ever again. You will never be a junior in college, finishing up finals, about to start your senior year, 21 and young. If you continue to keep getting caught up on the past, you’re going to lose the time you have right now.” You just gotta ride the wave.

It’s my motto recently. I can be sitting in the middle of class, and how heartburn sneaks up on you, so do those memories. Understand it, respect them, cherish them, and move on. Ride the wave through it. Because it will get better. You will be better. It’s just all about timing, and filling your new memories with being a better you.

Today’s Mantra: 

“Leaving no regrets, I AM experiencing all that is around me.”

admit to the love, admit to the pain, and ride the wave.

blessings, a