Little Alexx Blog

Sincerity. That’s my word for the year. It took me a hot minute to figure it out but today, sitting in class, watching the wind blow through the skeleton looking trees. Aside from my therapist, this is the place I am most vulnerable. I try to be as open as possible with you. Because you deserve the honest part of me. If you take the time out of your day, to skim my weekly blurbs and listen to my music and hopefully take something from this, the least I can do is be honest with you. This past week has been different, for sure. I don’t feel like me. Call it coming down off a huge weekend and being tired, or blame it on the weather, I just don’t feel the best. Physically, I’m fine, but my heart hurts. It’s tender. Do you know the feeling? I feel as though my actual chest is sore. I have been emotional for no reason. I’m currently writing this in my room under the sweet twinkling lights, listen to soft music and my fountain. Quite honestly, I feel shitty.

We live in a world where social media shows us the very best of people. I try to be in good headspace when I get on here and interact with my readers, but man, it’s difficult sometimes. I feel a little like Ellen (never thought I would compare myself to her, but here we go.) So, Ellen is always smiling and laughing and dancing and just being awesome, and while I am not Ellen, I feel like having a certain platform that works to better those around me and to always look on the bright side can tamper with my emotions, and my authenticity. Basically, this is just me telling you that while I can go on and on about how you gotta look on the bright side and the ‘sun will come out tomorrow’, you gotta go through the storm to see the rainbow. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Feelings are like an inflamed infection. You think you dealt with them and then they can slowly creep back up on you. It takes different people different times to heal and healing comes about in different ways. For me, I don’t like making people upset or worried about me, so I’m great at putting on a smile and getting through it, or so I think. I’m lying to them. I’m lying to myself. I deserve to be patient with myself.

I called my mom the other day in a panic, completely and utterly confused by my state of emotions. I am pretty in-check with myself and what I’m feeling but sometimes, I feel so all over the place that I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps this may not be the best place right now for me to spill my secrets and thoughts, but here we go.

Where do I even begin? Winter. It’s cold. It’s miserable. That’s basically how I feel. I haven’t seen the sun in a few days and it shows! I almost want to say, don’t mind me, I’ll be fine soon, but honestly, this is a very real thing and I think we need to discuss this!!!! 

Sincerity. What does it mean to me? It means that I’m doing something because my heart is invested. It means I’m not doing something out of obligation or to make someone happy. I want to be real. If I’m not happy, it will show. I have to be happy. I have to be comfortable. I need to do the best for me and in turn, do the best for you. I don’t want to leave a situation and think, wow I was not into that at all. I don’t want to regret anything.  If I like something, I’m going to tell you. If I don’t, I’m not going to laugh it off just to make you feel more comfortable. Sincerity is scary. It’s difficult. Sincerity means that I both take and lose control in my life. I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. It’s really difficult to be soft in serious situations. I get scared, I tense up. I feel those walls forming around me. I want that to change. I want to be full of life, instead of terrified with how it’s going to end. Because it’s going to end. Sooner than later. All things end and nothing lasts forever. Relationships fail, friendships fade away, people leave. But because of that promise of ending, there is the promise of beginning and starting anew.

I feel as though I’m just throwing up all over this blog post. Never in my life have I ever written anything so scatterbrained. Well, congratulations. You now know what it’s like to be inside my mind. This is me being vulnerable with you. Lessons aren’t learned at the highs in our life, but at the lowest of the lows. My ears are wide open. This is a lesson that will prepare me for something greater in my life and I’m going to look back on this time and think, “Oh Alexandra. There is so much more planned for you.” There will be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, but I’m loved and I know there is a future and the future is bright. It’s so bright. As long as the winter lasts, there is an equally long summer filled with goodness and warmth.

Hey, thanks for spending your evening with me. I decided I  was gonna cry it all out on this blog post, which was super exciting and honestly, very messy, but thank you for sticking around with me. What does sincerity mean to you? What is your word for the year? Enjoy one of my favorite songs from The 1975’s new album.

Today’s Mantra: 

“I AM breathing in. I AM breathing out.”

I sincerely hope your day is bright and lovely.

blessings, a