So, I’m currently at work and the song “You Raise Me Up”, by Josh Groban just came on and now I’m ugly crying…. God help me. It’s one of my favorite songs that will either be played at my wedding or my funeral, but probably both.
Parents! Just a few more days and your kiddos are back to school (WOO!) Students! Just a few more days and we are back to raising hell in our college towns! (WOO PIG SOOIE!) As summer winds to an end, I’d like to express what all has been happening in my life the past two-ish months.
To be honest, the past few months have been kind of up in the air for me. There was a lot of unexpected change that occurred in my life. When a door closes, a small window opens. I was blessed to have a job for two years that definitely allowed me to afford to stay in college. While it was honestly fantastic, children grow up. This left me to stress over my near future of how the actual hell am I going to pay for all of this??? While I do have two weekend jobs, I was nervous about finding a good solid job that would allow me the flexibility to still go about my normal class schedule. I like planning and knowing the outcomes of decisions and when I’m faced with a road that is less taken, I choke a bit. I’m a creature of habit. I have felt like I have been floating around with no gravity to pull me back to the ground. Summer is always good to relax, work hard, be home with family and travel, but I miss the structure in my life; of having a color coordinated planner that I religiously fill out every week; knowing what I am going to be doing of every part of my day, which I usually get sick of by the end of the year but I do crave stability. However, after weeks of fretting (and yes, I fear the wrinkle on my forehead is back and this time I think it’s for good) I am very blessed to announce that I have found a wonderful new job that I am excited to tell you all more about soon!
Every day, my life is changing. I wake up and work all day and night, then snack on chicken nuggets in bed before falling asleep with a packet of BBQ sauce on my lap (it’s the truth, no need to sugarcoat it). Regardless of my odd schedule in the summer, my world is constantly in motion. I just think about who I was last year and what I was doing with my life and my dreams and goals and struggles and how drastically different I am now. I sometimes go through my old posts and think, wow. I remember exactly what I was feeling or I know exactly what had happened with my week when I wrote that. In a way, this blog has become a public journal. It has become a place that is so out of my comfort zone that it makes me nervous to even hit publish at times. I have met and spoken to so many wonderful people because of this blog and have found out that not only is it an outlet for my own thoughts and feelings, but others can relate.
For the sake of continuing the vulnerability, I had my first therapy session since I decided to go back. I went to work after with a stormy heart and mind. I have a lot to think over. We talked over many things, but mostly about fear. There is this song that someone sent to me the other day, in which the lyrics go, “They say fear is for the brave, for cowards never stare it in the eye, so am I fearless to be fearful, does it take courage to learn how to cry?” The bravest a person can be is to be honest with themselves. If you can’t be honest with yourself, you sure as hell can’t be honest with anyone else. The next step to being fearless is to fear less. I get on these adrenaline type kicks where I want to just go and tell everyone my thoughts and feelings and I don’t seem to care what will happen in response, (I get on those kicks every time I write) But usually, my head overrules my heart and I talk myself out of expressing my thoughts. I have a lot more digging around in my head to go and I thank you for being patient with me. One day I’ll have it figured out… or not.
What I can do today that will help me tomorrow? First off, healing doesn’t happen over night. Self enlightenment does not happen in a weeks time in the mountains…. (gasp). It is an ongoing battle that you must nurture in yourself every single day. Other than the fact that they are aesthetically pleasing, I love plants because I am one. (NO, NOT LITERALLY)
A plant, while delicate and beautiful, is also unique and strong. While they are self sufficient for the most part, they require some care, such as watering, sunlight, trimming, and repotting. The water is the nourishment it needs to breathe, and in my case, my desire to be with others, to quench my thirst of being alone in my head. The sunlight is my knowledge, allowing me to grow and turn towards it, illuminating my mind. Trimming…. telling me to take it down a notch Alexandra, work hard but not too hard, limit yourself. Repotting….. The hardest one of all. If you don’t know anything about plants, let me explain. When you repot a plant, it allows a plant to grow larger and to grow in fresh soil. However, this is a messy process because you have to pull the plant by the base and open up the roots, allowing them to be free and detangled to grow deep into the new pot. For me, repotting is necessary but sometimes uncomfortable and messy. Examples of this are attending a new school, moving to a new town, living in a new home, making a new friend, and getting into a new relationship. It just puts you out of your comfort zone for a bit. While it is a messy process, it is most beneficial for the plant. For best results, repot and water and allow it in sunlight and you’ll begin to see your plant growing larger and more beautiful. We are plants. You must have the water and sunlight for yourself, occasionally trim off the dead leaves and allow yourself to be repotted once in a while, otherwise you will always stay a little small plant, growing in old soil, and eventually withering away to nothing.
Bloom. Flower. Be all that you were meant to be and don’t hold back. You’ll waste this precious life you have been given.
A note to my readers: I apologize for the lack of punctuality with my posts. Starting the week of August 20th, please be expecting blogs to be published at 5 o’clock every Tuesday. Please hit the follow button for email updates when I publish. Thank you so much!
Today’s Mantra:
“I surrender and let go. I AM open to change and in the flow.”
bloom, grow, love.
blessings, a
Little Alexx Blog 
Beautiful and about the plant thing, Me , Aliki and TATI often think of how when our end comes, how we each want to be planted in the ground with a tree in order to keep growing for many many years and for our spiritual place within our hearts will be allowed together with that tree we would each be planted with, to flourish and remind the ones we had lived with and loved on this plane of existence and the life we have only for a short while , that our purpose in life and what we portrayed to others will not die and that our love will grow always as generations will also grow and ask about that tree which our kids and their kids kids and the future generations tied to them will all ask about. Our story would be told for all listening, to it being told, will be able to know our fearlessness in life and how we would of been known as nothing less than empowering!
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