Little Alexx Blog

We’ve all been there. The sting. The burn. The unsettling and quiet sound of your heart breaking. Man. It sucks. This weekend I was hit both in a personal and professional way. Life gave me a one-two punch right in the gut, completely blind-sighted from what I thought.  Through these experiences, I was told that I wasn’t worth enough physically, mentally, and emotionally to be stood up for, while not even 12 hours later, told that professionally, I wasn’t enough either. I live my life relying on my intellect, my heart, and my soul. In a 12 hour period, everything I thought was fine, just wasn’t. Am I more upset at the situation, or upset about how completely unaware I was? I mostly feel disappointed in myself. Although  I had zero control over the actions of others, I still wish I could have done something more. However. For me, all that happens in my life are just check marks in lessons I have yet to learn. The emotions felt this past weekend had me barricaded in my room, licking my wounds. And guess what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I took the day and cleaned. Some go for a run, some binge on Netflix and food. For me, I clean. I am not only physically cleaning, but also mentally and emotionally organizing and disinfecting. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned until I felt good enough about how shiny the floor looked and how much my mood had improved. There is definitely a psychological aspect that plays along with how cleanliness and our moods effect each other.

So here I am in sweats, hair in a bun, and glasses on, writing this from the comfort of my very loving bed, catching a glimpse of the frosty trees on the mountain overlooking my bed. It is quiet. It is peaceful. The window is open and the cold rush of the wind wakes me enough to form coherent thoughts, even in my relaxed state. I have to be honest. It is very difficult to be positive writing this post. This isn’t exactly how I thought my weekend/week would begin. I’m still working through it. It takes me a while (and by a while, I mean a long time) to open up and trust others. I still struggle to admit truths to myself, however I never want to live in this world completely blind to my inner thoughts. I want to be present, and while that may mean feeling hurt in a new fresh way, I sure as hell would rather feel it than to feel nothing at all. This is a new leaf for me. I want to feel. As one of my favorite poets Christopher Poindexter puts it, “I want to fall in love, and never be sorry.”

While I personally feel like total hell right now and my looks match it……. The sun still rose, the day began, green tea still tastes great, hot showers and face masks are miracle workers, my plants are good company, people are mostly kind, and a new day is just around the corner. We shall persevere. We shall overcome.

Had a wonderful and beautiful Friday night at Night to Shine, a night to give those with special needs an unforgettable prom experience and to pour love into each person. Most of those who attended have never gotten to experience prom or a function like this, and thanks to the wonder sponsors and volunteers, we were able to create a night that was so magical and special that each person knew how really loved and cherished they were. This year, my date was Charlie. We had an absolute blast getting his shoes shined, getting a corsage and boutonniere, riding in a limo, walking down a red carpet and letting Charlie be the king of the prom, with a crown to match. I was so honored to be Charlie’s date.

I have loved this song for a really long time. Stay strong.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weLiBiebD_s

Today’s Mantra: 

“I AM filled with Light. I AM surrounded by Light. I AM Light.”

Love. Love, even if hurts.

Blessings, a