Last night Ben and I were laying on the back porch, relaxing on our new outdoor couches (oh we Boujee now!!!), watching the stars, enjoying the warm spring breeze, and just talking about the future. I used to love talking about the future, however now I realize I’m 5 years away from 30, so I think the present is a good place to be for right now. It does help that sometimes I get told I took like a teenager, so I’m still clinging to that!!!
This spring feels like a breath of fresh air though. with new opportunities and new attitudes, pushing me forward. Of course, I had Covid a few weeks ago and that knocked me on my ass for a week, but honestly, all that time in bed gave me the energy I needed to kick butt and take names. I realize I haven’t updated this medium in a while, so my bad for that. I think about it often, get stats on how many people are viewing, and yet, I just can’t find the words. Right? Me? Not knowing what to say? I think that as I have gotten older, the more I realize I have no clue what the hell is going on. That’s it. Also, I have definitely become more private. Mostly because I don’t want everyone knowing my entire life and because I have students who I’m sure have found this blog (Howdy history kiddos!)
I’m actually typing this on my break between classes actually. The semester is coming to an end and that spring fever is spiking! In just two weeks, these kids will be graduating and moving on with their lives. Life keeps moving faster and faster for me. It’s actually scary sometimes. I mean, its already the end of April and next thing I know, I’ll blink and it will be Christmas. Life is fast moving, sweet, full of surprises, uncertainty, and a whole lot of fun.
Currently, I’m struggling with making decisions. I have always had a plan. I’m a planner. I definitely have control problems (who doesn’t) I’m a creature of habit. I like to be comfortable. So, I stay the course. My goals have stayed the same overall, loving my man, my pup, making sure I finishing my second masters, teaching, traveling, staying fit, but there seems to be more substance now. I’m completing my masters so I can eventually work for myself and help others. I teach because it makes me happy to do so, I travel because I get to experience the world with my love, I stay fit because it keeps me sane. I look at my students, ranging from 18-23 and think, the world is your oyster, my darlings!
Turning 25 was terrifying. However, in his usual fashion, Ben won in the planning department, taking me on a beautiful weekend trip away and ensuring that I am the luckiest girl in the world. I feel so incredibly loved by this man, more so than I ever have felt. I don’t think I really knew what love was before I met him, honestly. I got kind of emotional the other night before bed, thinking about him as an old man, and I was just like, wow, one day you’re going to get old and then I sat with that thought and realized…. I’m getting older too. One day I’m going to be an old woman. How odd? I guess I just thought I would stay forever young. It makes me realize that I literally have to live every single day like its my last. The mature thing to state is that I’m embracing this future of mine, that I’m not afraid of getting older. However, I am not mature in this way. Yes, bills are paid on time, I love to write thank you notes, I still drink a cup of tea before bed at night, but no. I lack maturity in this area. I can’t conceptualize that I am getting older, because I still think about what I am going to be like when I grow up. It sounds silly, but one of the most impactful things someone has ever said to me, was that they were excited to watch me grow up. I sure hope I have made them proud.
Today, I begin my strive to embrace these changes. To know that it is out of my control. To know that everything that is meant to be, will be. In yoga, they talk about the fact that even if one person wasn’t in the room, it wouldn’t be the same class. I truly believe that, when I am in class with my students. Even just that one not being in class, changes the way I teach, the conversations we have, the discussions brought up. I think that energy matters, and the type of mindset we bring to the table. I struggle with the mindset part, mostly because I overthink everything (are we surprised?) Recently, I have been cutting out things in my life that no longer serve me. I think a nice purge of people, things, and ideas is good for the soul every once in a while. As much as it is my guilty pleasure, I had to cut out true crime podcasts and documentaries. I also don’t watch the news anymore. I’m not one to live with my head buried in the sand, but recently man, it’s been heavy. My head and my heart want only good. I get enough of reality with teaching and every day life. I’ve gotten closer with my siblings, my friends, as we all grow up. My one best friend gets married in a year and the other just had a baby (my ovaries!!). Everyone is growing up. Everyone is moving on. Everyone is doing life.
I really couldn’t stand watching the movie Little Women when I was younger. Now I can’t watch it without absolutely bawling my eyes out. However, its a classic and with classics comes with classic quotes.
Change will come as surely as the seasons and twice as quick. We make our peace with it as best we can. Or as Amy said when she was still a little girl,”We’ll all grow up some day, we may as well know what we want.”- Little Women
Change indeed will come as surely as the seasons, when you least expect it. Right now, I am attempting to make peace with it.
“Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You’re ready to go out and – and find a good use for your talent. Tho’ I don’t know what I shall do without my Jo.
Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it.“- Little Women
blessings, a
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