Little Alexx Blog

You ever just get really sick and tired of yourself? I feel this intense need sometimes to just delete my social media, turn off my phone, and run as far away as I possibly can. It’s Friday, I’m in the middle of my day, and I woke up this morning with an ever so slightly growing sense of anxiety. You know the feeling, the pit in your stomach, questioning literally every decision you make.

After a few really busy past few weeks, I’m ready to get back to a normal schedule. While spring break was much needed, I am so happy to be back home. For the sake of being transparent, this past week has been relatively hard for me. While the past few months have been a push for me to continue forward, to work hard, and to achieve my goals…. I have been running on steam. I have been happy, but at the same time, I am ready to have some normalcy in my life right now.

I’ll be honest, I’m feeling a bit lost right now. Like, I don’t know what comes next? What does come next? I find myself recently not even being able to scroll through social media to see what friends are doing, in fear it’s going to ruin my day. I’m at this age now, where I feel like I am in limbo. I’m 23 and not sure what my next step is. Right now, I am waiting. Waiting for summer, waiting to hear back from some very awesome opportunities that have come my way, waiting for a lot of things. I’d love nothing more than to say that I love the wait, that I love the uncertainty, the excitement. But, I instead get frustrated, both with myself, for not being more patient, and with the circumstances. From there, goes into a deeper cycle of over thinking, which leads to more frustration and more doubting. It’s….. fun to be me??? HOWEVER. I do believe that there are things in this life worth the wait, regardless of how long it takes.

I am most excited/ nervous for next week. I told myself to stop messing around and get back to the basics. I get in this headspace, this hyper independent attitude that I can do whatever I want, all by myself. Instead of sitting around like a princess waiting for her prince, shit. I’m the damn queen!! Obviously it’s a defense mechanism, duh. I can be strong. I can be independent. But I don’t have to do it all by myself.

Next week I go back to therapy. I’m setting up virtual therapy sessions through Betterhelp.com and I am actually really looking forward it. I am nervous. I always get nervous about talking to new people, telling them my story, being honest and vulnerable. Vulnerability. It’s freaking exhausting. I’m exhausted at the very thought of it. I was uber emotional this week, just overthinking things, worrying about my future, and comparing my life to others. But… I can’t. No one has my life and I don’t have theirs. Who knew I would end up here, with the job I have, with the life and opportunities I do. I just have to be patient. Everything happens in my life the way it is supposed to. Thank God. Thank God I waited, for everything that has come my way. It has come at the exact right time, and it has left at the exact right time.

My wish for this week is that you know that it’s going to get better, we have to take a day at a time, and to be kind to ourselves. I forget to give myself grace. I have to be patient and listen to my body, to my heart, and my heart. That’s all I can do.

https://youtu.be/vN3VYNFiLa8

Today’s Mantra:

“I AM willing to wait.”

blessings, a