The past two weeks have been full and busy for me! I have been working so hard, both physically and mentally. I’m getting ready to go home to be with my family who I haven’t fully seen since June, so I am very excited. I went to get my Covid test yesterday to make sure I’m good to travel and I can honestly say I will never allow anything to be that close to my brain ever again. I was so dang embarrassed by my natural reaction of tears streaming down my face as the swab was pushed deeper up my nose. Never again.
I have recently come to terms with the fact that as much as I love being here in Charleston, I haven’t fully been living up to my own expectations for myself. My word of the year is uncomfortable, and as 2020 is slowly winding down to a close, it has been painfully apparent that I chose the correct word for the craziest year ever.
A few weeks ago, I was faced with the reality that plans are subjective and one should never place all their eggs in one basket. I sat myself down and wrote out a list of goals I wanted to accomplish. I’m a list maker, and there is nothing I love more than making plans for myself. More than that, I need to keep myself accountable for what the next few weeks, months, and potentially years will look like for me. I’m alone here, and the only person I have to take care of me, is well, me. Plus Hemy but I haven’t taught him to read yet and he can’t stay awake for more than 10 minutes so he’s no help.
On my list, I decided that at least one day a week, I was going to go out of my comfort zone and do something social. I am a people person, the perfect embodiment of a 50/50 intro/extrovert. I need my people time, with also some time alone to recharge. I have had almost a year to recharge. So, I said screw my insecurities, messaged a group of girls from an online Facebook group and got a team together for drinks and Schitt’s Creek trivia night, which was a breath of fresh air for me. First off, it was such a blast to be out with like minded young professionals who also recently moved to Charleston. And second, I forgot how competitive I am. Best night I have had in a while. Go “Ew David” girls! Aside from that, I have been *carefully social distancing* out to live music, meeting new friends, making connections, and laughing harder than I have in a very long time.
The second goal of mine was that at least once a week, I wanted to explore and do something new in Charleston. Listen, I do school and work online. I sit in front of my computer all day and work. And work. And work. However, I have such a fluid schedule, that if I want to take a day or two off, easy peasy. I live in a city full of life, history, and exciting things to do. I am so blessed to be here and I feel as though I have been missing out on experiences because I was so scared to put myself out there. So, I have been doing research, and planning exciting explorations to plantations, hikes, and other historical and super cool things in my city. I’m so interested in learning new stuff and it really just makes me feel at peace to walk where others have lived before.
My next goal has been to restart therapy. Since I moved to Charleston, I have not been in contact with a therapist, due to my insurance and switching states. So, it has been a challenge for me, having to take care of it out of pocket, but next week, one day a week, I will begin my therapy and I am very proud of myself. For a while there, I thought, “eh Alexandra, you got this, you’re fine.” How apparent it is in retrospect how terribly not fine we are. I’m very excited to restart this process.
The last goal of mine was to go back to yoga. It’s been a few months since I was in a studio (nervous about Covid and with all of my traveling) and although I was running like a crazy woman for a while (hello half marathon, still insane I did that), it still wasn’t the same feeling I had like when I was consistently doing my practice. I had a goal of originally 5 days a week, and I am now consistently going 7 days a week, sometimes taking more than 1 class a day, depending on my schedule. This by far has been probably one of the best things for me recently, aside from the social stuff. I started at a new studio and when I tell you they are absolutely murdering me, I sometimes can’t even walk correctly leaving because it was such a hard work out. I feel stronger. I feel toned. I feel healthier. I feel proud. And mostly, I feel really excited to begin and end my day focusing on me and my growth.
I take my yoga practice very seriously. When I am there, I try my hardest to be present, however, sometimes it can be difficult. I believe that while yoga requires physical strength, the majority of being profienct at it relies on the mental strength. Sometimes, to fully bow and accept yourself, you gotta just let it go. And I’ll fully admit that sometimes, letting it go means crying in class. As we were winding down one day, tears came to my eyes, as I was on my back, knees up in my chest, rocking myself back and forth, the teacher in her extremely calm voice said to us, “Everything we do in here, is to get you ready for whatever the world has to throw at you. If you can come in here every day, and give it your all, and feel every single burn and stretch and pain, if you can keep going when your body is crying out to say stop, then whatever happens out in the world, you can take on. Remember, feeling is healing. So feel it all. Take it in. Take the pain and the burn, and the tears and the sweat and remember that no matter what, you have you.”
Well shit. That definitely made me cry a bit harder and since that day, I have carried it around with me, like a little note in my back pocket, reminding me that damn it, I gotta feel something to heal from it. When I wake up early in the morning and think, ‘just 5 more minutes, I just want to stay in bed all day’, I fight that urge, and I get up and get going. When I walk up the stairs to bed every night, so tired that I feel like I could fall asleep before hitting the pillow, I know I did good that day. When I really just want to quit at my schooling because writing another 15 page paper makes me feel like I could go crazy, I keep going because I know it’s going to be worth it in the end. And when I feel so small, so sad, so angry, so confused, I know that all of these feelings will one day make sense and make it worth what I have to come.
So, what I ask of you, is to feel something, damnit. Feel the hurt. Feel the pain. Feel the heartache. And eventually, you’ll heal.
Today’s Mantra:
“I AM feeling to heal.”
blessings, a
Little Alexx Blog 
Time. It really does heal all. You are loved and loved and loved. Don’t ever forget it. Love mama♥️
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