Little Alexx Blog

Happy blog Tuesday, everyone!

I am back home in Missouri counting day the days until I’m on a beach somewhere in Hawaii. I took all my finals, got completely moved out of my place in Fayetteville, and am enjoying the comfort of living out of my suitcase while being home. Today I had the day off, so I took the time and really just relaxed. I went and had lunch with my family, repotted some of my plant babies, and laid out in the sun. I haven’t really had any time or energy or really much interest in doing anything for me. To be 100% honest with you, these past few months have been a complete blur for me, and I apologize for not being open about it. I let myself go. When I say that, I mean that I completely stopped caring about anything other than how honestly sad I have been. I stopped trying. For Alexandra, that doesn’t work. I have been just so wrapped up in my own head and thoughts that I neglected everything else in my life. And I am sorry for that. I have my good days and my bad days. Today was a good day. I went and got a new plant, (sorry to my mom) and then worked out. I’m ending my night rocking on a porch swing, enjoying the warm weather.

What have I learned in the past year? Honestly, I am a little lost for words. I sat on the front porch with Big the other morning, wrapped up in a quilt and glasses on my face, I looked like a little old lady, and we talked about what’s been going on. My parents are seriously the most supportive and I appreciate how patient they have been with me. Big asked me what I think I learned from this whole experience, and honesty, I couldn’t tell you. I truly don’t know, but I think I will eventually. I know that this past year wasn’t a total waste. I learned what love was, and what heartbreak feels like. I learned what digging myself in a hole can do, and I learned that I need others around to help me. I can’t do this all on my own. I need my friends and family. I need a roommate who will make sure I eat dinner and who will tell me to go brush my hair. I need a mom who nags me about making sure I take out of my contacts at the end of the night. I need friends who will make sure I go out with them on the weekends. I need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. We all do.

I am a control freak. Yes. I just admitted that publicly loud for everyone to know it. Now, if you know me or not, let’s just say that it’s all for a good reason. If I don’t have control over a situation or know how it will end up, I get extremely nervous. Blame it on my past, but I spent my childhood and young adult years with absolutely no control over anything that was happening to my family and I. Now that I am my own person, you better believe I keep that control as close to me as possible. Like I said in my previous blog post, love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting that they won’t. Trusting and giving up control doesn’t come easy for me. It is very uncomfortable for me. That’s what the past 6 months have been for Alexandra. Uncomfortable. I am not super big on the feelings and expressing intense emotion. Well, 2018-2019 made sure that changed. Before then, I had never opened my heart to the possibility that I would honestly ever love or trust someone. A year ago, my head was ruling my world. Everything I did, involved logic and well thought out ideas. Fast forward to almost a year later, and I am on the complete opposite side of that. My heart has decided to take the reins, and considering she hasn’t had much experience, it’s been a bumpy ride. My heart and my mind will forever be at war with one another until the time is right where they don’t have to be.

And honestly, I have no idea when that will be. But that’s the joy of life, right? There is a quote, that if you were given the story of your life, would you skip to the end? For me, it would lose the mystery of what it means to be alive. I am excited in the possibility that something magically is going to happen in my life. I don’t want to ruin it by skipping to the end.

Live every day like it’s your last, never leave kind words unsaid, always say I love you, and go enjoy yourself sometime. It’s really a beautiful life, even on our worst days.

Today’s Mantra: 

“I AM learning from my experiences.” 

love often.

blessings, a