Little Alexx Blog

I called my mom last week, all huffy and puffy after my therapy session wishing I could just start over. I wish I could have a clean slate in life. I wish that my past wasn’t my past and that it couldn’t dictate or play into my present and future decisions.

Today in my therapy session, I was brought back around to the idea that my past does not dictate my future. I mean, not if I don’t let it. We all hear the cheesy expression, every day is a new day, but honestly, it’s true. Every day you wake up, you have the chance to change; to be better. I was looking on Facebook this past week, at my old photos and doing some check ups on some people I knew and I had this weird feeling of nostalgia. If you knew me at all, you’ll know that I hated high school. I wasn’t who I am, literally and figuratively and I just didn’t really like who I was. I couldn’t wait to leave my small town and be a new person. A fresh start.

Now, while I have appreciated being in a place no one knows me, I came to the realization, three years later, that running away from your problems doesn’t make them any less problematic. They will continue to sneak back up on you if you don’t take care of them. Our past is like a wound that never healed. We put bandages on them and covered them up, looked towards material objects, relationships, new hobbies, new jobs to distract us from the injury festering under our clothes. Still, at the end of the day, you’re faced with a very mean and ugly infection. That’s what happens if we don’t take care of ourselves. Like how we go to the doctor when we don’t feel good, we go to the dentist when our teeth hurt, we need to go to someone or something to take care of what’s going on internally. I speak to you as someone who has her fair share of running from problems. I moved states, completely cut myself off from my past life, changed my name, and yet, I still get a ache in my tummy when I come back to the town I grew up in. I had high hope for my future, but small triggers kept popping up in my life, by the relationships I found myself in, the friends I met, the hobbies I did. I was constantly in search for something to mend my broken heart back together. Let me tell ya, it doesn’t work like that. No one can save you except yourself. Sure, you can have a great support group, of family and friends, but no one will ever know you as well as you know yourself. But that doesn’t mean you have to do all of this alone. Remember, no problem is ever too great to overcome.

We’ve all got those skeletons in the closet. The things we don’t ever want to think about, past relationships that hurt us too deeply that we’d rather just not even think about the wound,  problems with parents, friends, illness, addictions. We’ve all got something. I read this post today, and was almost moved to tears by it.

“When someone walks away, rejects or abandons us- we’re left with so much emotion to sort through. Abandonment and rejection can trigger our deepest wounds unearthing our fears of being too much/not enough/alone forever… all the things. Clinging to someone who doesn’t want to be with us anymore almost never means they are the person we were truly meant to be with. Life has plans… give 1% of your trust to that if it’s all you can give. If you can’t seem to let go, and find ourselves spinning out, thinking of them constantly desperately strategizing to “win them back”, there’s something else going on beneath the surface… You see, we unconsciously attract partners who represent our caretakers from the past, usually a mother or father. Ask yourself, who does this person represent to me? When was the first time I felt desperate to win approval, love, or validation? This is your attempt to HEAL an old relationship. Let that sink in. If we’re seeking to win love and approval from someone who has taken their love away, it’s possible they might just be a stand in for an unhealed relationship with mom/dad/step-parent. You may be gritting your teeth right now. You might even want to dismiss this notion entirely, As soon as you’re willing to see the projection, you become free from NEEDING them to return to you. Instead, you can take ALL of that energy you’re expending on thinking, obsessing, fantasizing or fretting over them and begin the process of coming HOME. How do we do that? Often times, through heartbreak, betrayal, or a really swift kick-in-the-pants form the Universe that wakes us up and springs us to action. Whatever is coming up is a metaphorical flashlight, showing you EXACTLY where you need to go to heal, develop self-love, and FORGIVE yourself for past mistakes. You don’t need someone who doesn’t want to be in your life to return to you to feel safe. You are having this experience so you can learn to love yourself. Take this to heart- you are worthy.”  -Rising Woman

Why am I writing this post? To remind you, my beautiful friends that even on your worst days, it’s still a beautiful life. I see people coming in and out of my life through a revolving door, some staying for many years, some for a few months, a few weeks, or a soft interaction in a coffee shop. Don’t ask me why these people are in my life. I am just as curious as you are. But I don’t wish to question it too much. I have faith that in this time in my life, I am here to help shape lives and allow others to help shape mine. I struggle with trust and allowing those in, and as I talked to my therapist today, I hate that I can’t just have a sign by me that will sit and explain why I am the way I am.  It’s just too emotionally exhausting to explain my whole life story to try to understand me better. So, I am allowing myself to be me on here. If you have been with me for a while, thank you my friend. If you’re new, welcome to my online diary.

Today’s Mantra: 

“It’s a new month, a new day, I AM growing.”

love you and all your ghosts.

blessings, a